Day 22 - Shopping Day & Reading

This morning, I turned off both alarms, and fell back asleep, so like duh it was a shock when the door bell woke me.  Honest how can I be so daft??  It's not like Sainsbury's can just shove it through the letterbox, mmmmm I'd like to see them try, but that's just my warped sense of humour trying to escape.

The tiredness really got to me today, I didn't think just dealing with shopping delivery would leave me feeling so bad, added to that the pain seems to have moved to my left side, just above my hip, and the stomach is somewhat bloated as well.  Out of all of them, the tiredness is the worst, and yes there are days when I don't feel like getting up, but so far have managed to get up each day, and get dressed, but I really do feel it later in the day, and have to nap.  I do understand that the fatigue is a normal symptom of the disease, but it is so annoying, because although you can do nothing about it you can think of things far more interesting that you would rather do.

I thought I had better do a bit more reading on the Cancer Research Website, about what I do know so far and that - well let's be honest it's not a lot, but it's a starting point and having something that has metastasised - moved from another part of the body.  Where a cancer starts is called the primary cancer. If some cells break away from the primary cancer and move to another part of the body they can form another tumour – a secondary cancer. Cancer that has spread into the bone from another part of the body is called a secondary bone cancer.  They spread through the blood stream or through the lymph system.  What is good to know at this point, is that they can tell from cells in the secondary tumour where the primary tumour is, as it will contain cells of  say lung cancer - which we already know I do not have.  But I think you can get the idea. So by my thinking – we have to remember that I am blonde and that my thoughts do not always run in the same way as medical people probably do – if they take a biopsy of the tumour in my spine, then it will tell us what primary type we are dealing with and what can or can not be done about it.

Yes we do have to face facts that I may or may not survive this disease, there are no rules to it, it does what it wants when it wants. It's not much good if we go head long into Monday with rose tinted glasses, thinking I will come out the other side without any kind of scaring – mentally or physically there will be something.

It would be lovely if I could go along on Monday, and they say “Sorry Julia, we made a mistake”! We all know that won't happen.

I know people will say stuff like

• Things will be OK
• You can beat this
• You are a strong person

I would love to believe these things, but the facts and evidence are there staring us in the face, plain for all to see, and I doubt that I will be making any kind of medical history, by breaking all their scientific research to shreds. It's just a case of facing facts. Don't get me wrong, I sincerely appreciate all the messages of support I have been receiving, people don't realise how nice it is to get messages from friends they haven't spoken to in a while, it can really lift the day. I'm the sort of person who can cope with dealing with the facts of the matter when it comes to medical stuff, no good going round the houses, and it don't solve anything. I think that's why I found last week's appointment so frustrating, and a waste of resources and time. Time that could have been better spent finding out the primary site.

Anyway, Mr Sleep has crept up on me again, so I will have another waffle tomorrow, so that you can get your daily dose of boredom lol.

Night night my friends

xxx