Day 19 - Not mouth Cancer

Today I had a routine dental appointment, so I took the letter I got with me, and they copied it and put it on my file.  The Dentist carried out the dental check up, and was happy to confirm that there is no visible sign of the Cancer in my mouth.  I never realised that the diagnosis was going to be so hard to get.  How many more people are going to pull me about, only to tell me that it's not this or that with the primary cancer in?  And how long is it going to take?  I'm no good waiting at the best of times, and trying to get a diagnosis piece by piece is driving me nuts.  The stress is sure getting to me, that much I know.  It's fine people saying don't stress, but honestly, who wouldn't feel stressed.  I mean, what else am I supposed to feel.  It's not like I can get excited about it.  As they have not found the primary cause as yet, we don't know how large, far or progressed it is.  It suddenly occurs to me, could it be that it's not Cancer, although I doubt they would have told me in the way they did, and acted with the speed they have done so far.   Is it one of those things, where if they leave you long enough you will just die so they don't have to treat you?  Or make it impossible to cure you.  Sorry but this really is the sort of thing that plays on my mind, and I am sure somebody else in the past has thought it, or in the future will do so.

Surprises - Do you ever wonder what kind of people it is that get surprises?  I don't mean the tv sort of surprises - they are just too unreal to be true.  I mean just normal surprises.   What's a normal surprise though?  Normal and surprise - they don't seem to fit together really.  I don't think I have ever had a normal surprise, but as I don't know what one is, I'm not sure I would know it if I got one.  Is it the same feeling as wanting something nice to happen once in a while, instead of all the crap that life throws at you, and has done for as long as you can remember.  After a certain amount of time, you do grow used to the crap life chucks, you wish it wouldn't, but no matter how much you wish, it doesn't change a thing.  Sometimes it feels like someone is just waiting to throw yet another bunch at you, just when you feel everything is going ok. It's almost like having a devil sitting on your shoulder, kinda sleepy, and somebody pokes him and he gets all fired up and starts stoking up the fire again.  If only I could catch the little fellow, he would be the next lump of coal on my fire.

Well folks, I had a migraine come on this afternoon, tried to nap, and had to give up in the end, so I am shattered and still have a migraine - so I bet you have already guessed, I'm off to bed, and I'll catch you all on the other side.  If any of my ramblings make no sense - I apologise, my brain appears to go to mush very quickly at the moment, quicker when I have a migraine.

Night all

Day 13 - Find Out

Well the day has dawned on what is probably the most difficult in all my life.  I don't feel any different to yesterday, but my eyes are leaking, I don't know why, but they are.

Lynda Bellingham - she was such a very brave lady, and so very strong.  I just hope I can be like that.  They just announced on Loose Women that the Lynda Bellingham advert for Oxo will be shown on Xmas Day.  This is a brilliant example of people power.  Ordinary people who want something to happen, and making it happen.  

People keep telling me that I'm strong, but I'm not as sure about that.  I've always hidden my feelings, I've found it easier.  Except when my Father and Mother died, then I just couldn't hide it.

Well what a waste of time going to the hospital was, I don't have Lung Cancer, but they don't know where the primary Cancer really is.  Honest I was so flippin angry, I don't know how I didn't explode.

They discharged me from that clinic, and said they will refer me to Orthopedics.  Forget the pin you stuck in the female picture yesterday in the lung area - try for another part - with the luck I'm having we will have diagnosed it before the hospital.  First thing in the morning, I am getting an appointment with my GP.  The further away you live from Leicestershire, the better, you will hear less of me screaming at Doctors.

Sorry that today turned out to be such a let down, it sure was for me anyway.  I wanted to know where the cancer was, and all they could tell me was where it wasn't.

So very very annoyed, I walked past the fridge and a bottle of Pinot Grigio jumped out, then those darn cats and dog drank it all!!!  I know, I know it's disgusting - but ya can't win them all.

So I am off to bed.  Night all.   xxx

Day 1 - Finding Out

Well I got a phone call from the Doctor Surgery today, asking me to go down and see a Doctor today.  So they booked me in for 11.30am with Dr Greenyeer.

I had a feeling that I already knew what he was going to say, and his questioning prior to him telling me confirmed my suspicions.  So when he actually told me, yes it was a shock, but it wasn't - if you get what I mean - so hard to describe.

I'm using this blog to collect together my thoughts, fears, experiences, and maybe show others that you know your own body, so if you believe there is a problem, run with it and pursue it until your happy that every avenue has been covered.

About this time in 2013 I had been to the Doctor because I can feel something in my throat that makes swallowing very difficult for me, to the extent that I have problems swallowing foods.  After various X-Rays and Barium swallow X-Rays, I was told finally in March 2014 that it was to do with my Osteo-arthritis, and it was a bone growth, and there was nothing that could be done about it.  I spoke to my GP about it again after this, and she wrote to the consultant, who replied to her that I should be prescribed Gaviscon - yup that stuff most people take for heartburn!  I'm going to be bringing this up at a later date when we find out more.

The tumour that has been found is at T1 on the left hand side of my spine and is described as a Secondary Tumour.  The problem we have at present is that it is not known where the Primary tumour is, as it was not covered by the MRI.  So now I have to go through all that yet again.

The Doctor phoned me after Surgery, and they have worked out the route to get me seen ASAP.  So I have been referred to the Lung Cancer section of Oncology.  He said I would be seen within 2 weeks at most, but to expect things to swing into action very quickly, and with lots of appointments - great - the excitement is overwhelming - NOT.

I have been quite overwhelmed as well by the wonderful messages from my friends on Facebook, it's lovely to know that so many people do care.  Chris has been totally shocked by the news, likewise my Son, but I know that they will be there for me on this journey, no matter how long it takes and where ever it may lead.  Chris has phoned his Mum, and she said if we need her she is there for us, despite having to care for her Brother.  As Chris' Sister is in USA, he had to message her via Facebook.  As for my family members - well those of them on my friends list, none have made a comment, but then we all have busy lives, and mine more than most is going to be rather busy in the coming weeks.

I'm just looking forward now to the Showaddywaddy Concert at Redditch on Saturday, but I dare not book for Bedworth next week, as I just don't know what bookings will be made between now and then.  I'm going to be so upset if I find out that I would have been able to go, as it will be too late to get a ticket.  How many more concerts I will get to is anyone's guess, I do so enjoy them, perhaps they can come sing to me if I am kept in Hospital rofl - now that would be a sight to see!!!

Right I'm off to bed to see if I can get any sleep.  Feel free to post a comment or ask questions, and I will approve messages as soon as I can.

Julia  xxx