Day 19 - Not mouth Cancer

Today I had a routine dental appointment, so I took the letter I got with me, and they copied it and put it on my file.  The Dentist carried out the dental check up, and was happy to confirm that there is no visible sign of the Cancer in my mouth.  I never realised that the diagnosis was going to be so hard to get.  How many more people are going to pull me about, only to tell me that it's not this or that with the primary cancer in?  And how long is it going to take?  I'm no good waiting at the best of times, and trying to get a diagnosis piece by piece is driving me nuts.  The stress is sure getting to me, that much I know.  It's fine people saying don't stress, but honestly, who wouldn't feel stressed.  I mean, what else am I supposed to feel.  It's not like I can get excited about it.  As they have not found the primary cause as yet, we don't know how large, far or progressed it is.  It suddenly occurs to me, could it be that it's not Cancer, although I doubt they would have told me in the way they did, and acted with the speed they have done so far.   Is it one of those things, where if they leave you long enough you will just die so they don't have to treat you?  Or make it impossible to cure you.  Sorry but this really is the sort of thing that plays on my mind, and I am sure somebody else in the past has thought it, or in the future will do so.

Surprises - Do you ever wonder what kind of people it is that get surprises?  I don't mean the tv sort of surprises - they are just too unreal to be true.  I mean just normal surprises.   What's a normal surprise though?  Normal and surprise - they don't seem to fit together really.  I don't think I have ever had a normal surprise, but as I don't know what one is, I'm not sure I would know it if I got one.  Is it the same feeling as wanting something nice to happen once in a while, instead of all the crap that life throws at you, and has done for as long as you can remember.  After a certain amount of time, you do grow used to the crap life chucks, you wish it wouldn't, but no matter how much you wish, it doesn't change a thing.  Sometimes it feels like someone is just waiting to throw yet another bunch at you, just when you feel everything is going ok. It's almost like having a devil sitting on your shoulder, kinda sleepy, and somebody pokes him and he gets all fired up and starts stoking up the fire again.  If only I could catch the little fellow, he would be the next lump of coal on my fire.

Well folks, I had a migraine come on this afternoon, tried to nap, and had to give up in the end, so I am shattered and still have a migraine - so I bet you have already guessed, I'm off to bed, and I'll catch you all on the other side.  If any of my ramblings make no sense - I apologise, my brain appears to go to mush very quickly at the moment, quicker when I have a migraine.

Night all